It's an amazing thing.
From the middle of ranch country in Texas to Israel. A guide, a mentor.
Today I had a 1 on 1 video conversation with Emily, the blogger of triumphwellness.com. I admit I was nervous, thinking about how it might go-similar to meetings with doctors and nutritionists where I left feeling less-than. Bad. To blame. "you need to diet." "You need to excercise HARD" "you need to eat chicken until"..and so on, only this time I would feel extra inadequate not being a full vegan. As my fiance' said "you're not a vegan-you don't make me feel guilty for eating stuff.you lead by example and it helps me. :' )" sniff.
It wasn't like that.
Emily has a gift.
In 90 minutes, she was able to dig deeper than anyone I had seen for help before.
She was kind. And gentle. And nuturing. And she said "many of my clients think they have a metabolic problem but its usually an issue with pasta. I really believe your metabolism IS broken."
OMG.
She BELIEVED me. She listened. She probed.
Emily asked "and when you were at your ideal weight last, what is the first thing you remember?"
I had nowhere to hide. The raw emotions came flooding back. Divorce. A huge house that I could no longer afford. 2 dying dogs that I eventually had to put down. Hurricane Ike. Fear of looters. Fear of my ex coming to seek revenge. Fear of a new job. Fear of a new city. The incredible LONLINESS.
My throat caught.
I didn't feel SAFE then. No protection. I buried myself in weight lifting and work for protection. I listened to my music that gives me strength. Chevelle. MCR.
I know today that things have changed drastically. I'm happy at home and work. I have a wonderful man who I love more than life itself. A great, challenging job, family, friends, condo and great medical care.
I asked "Is it possible that my brain and body don't know this yet?".
"Possibly. Is there another area of your life that doesn't feel safe?"
Work. A good-ol-boy place that will eat you alive unless you are tough as nails.
I had struggled with bullying for years there. Now things are changing for the better and I still have fear. "What if I get promoted? (Stress on top of my health stuff)? "What if I don't? (Never rising above, paving the way for ladies in this tough business)? Conflict. The weight of the world.
The weight.
Its haunted me most of my life. Chubby kid. Anorexic teen. Sibling comparison pressures and on and on.
All this written on the front and back of an envelope on things to try, what to do.
Solutions:
*Crocs for my feet to wear at my work gym
*workout just 20 min/day every day-dont have to get gross and sweaty.
*try chickpea omelette for breakfast
*try dandelion tea @ work instead of coffee
*try EFT-a kind of accupressure tapping technique
*I may always have to track my food but I am grateful for the tools available to me.
*create a mantra for myself and write it to have by my bedside
"My inner core is a thin rod of steel. It's now safe to let the scale go down to expose the steel core that will always protect me. I am loved. I am safe."
*check back in in 2 weeks.
Thank you, God, for Emily today.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
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