There's Donkey peanut butter and then there's "Jay" peanut butter...

Peanut butter.

And bananas.

I just LOVE it.

But regular PB can be a lot of points. And many 'defatted' peanut butters have sugar or allergens.

I did find that peanut powder online. And it's great. Mix with water and salt-voila!

"Disgusting". "Sick". "There's Donkey Peanut Butter. And then there's yours."

Haha!

Fair enough. I imagine that eating mostly vegan whole foods ruins my taste buds. Everything is WAAAY too sweet for me.

Except Snickers.

But I digress...

My fiance' likes normal-people peanut butter, because, well, he's normal.

After 1 morning of noticing the donkey's interest in normal peanut butter, we bought generic for the donkey to trick her into taking worming paste at some point in the unknown future. She turned her nose. She likes normal-people peanut butter.

She's a discerning donkey.

Perhaps we should have a taste test.

And then there's my low-point peanut butter that is great on bananas or with sugar free jam.

But not alone.

For those rare occasions I NEED a T of the real thing, I eat what the normal people do.

And the donkeys...
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Best $90 I ever spent-my conversation with Emily

Skype.

It's an amazing thing.

From the middle of ranch country in Texas to Israel. A guide, a mentor.

Today I had a 1 on 1 video conversation with Emily, the blogger of triumphwellness.com. I admit I was nervous, thinking about how it might go-similar to meetings with doctors and nutritionists where I left feeling less-than. Bad. To blame. "you need to diet." "You need to excercise HARD" "you need to eat chicken until"..and so on, only this time I would feel extra inadequate not being a full vegan. As my fiance' said "you're not a vegan-you don't make me feel guilty for eating stuff.you lead by example and it helps me. :' )" sniff.

It wasn't like that.

Emily has a gift.

In 90 minutes, she was able to dig deeper than anyone I had seen for help before.

She was kind. And gentle. And nuturing. And she said "many of my clients think they have a metabolic problem but its usually an issue with pasta. I really believe your metabolism IS broken."

OMG.

She BELIEVED me. She listened. She probed.

Emily asked "and when you were at your ideal weight last, what is the first thing you remember?"

I had nowhere to hide. The raw emotions came flooding back. Divorce. A huge house that I could no longer afford. 2 dying dogs that I eventually had to put down. Hurricane Ike. Fear of looters. Fear of my ex coming to seek revenge. Fear of a new job. Fear of a new city. The incredible LONLINESS.

My throat caught.

I didn't feel SAFE then. No protection. I buried myself in weight lifting and work for protection. I listened to my music that gives me strength. Chevelle. MCR.

I know today that things have changed drastically. I'm happy at home and work. I have a wonderful man who I love more than life itself. A great, challenging job, family, friends, condo and great medical care.

I asked "Is it possible that my brain and body don't know this yet?".

"Possibly. Is there another area of your life that doesn't feel safe?"

Work. A good-ol-boy place that will eat you alive unless you are tough as nails.

I had struggled with bullying for years there. Now things are changing for the better and I still have fear. "What if I get promoted? (Stress on top of my health stuff)? "What if I don't? (Never rising above, paving the way for ladies in this tough business)? Conflict. The weight of the world.

The weight.

Its haunted me most of my life. Chubby kid. Anorexic teen. Sibling comparison pressures and on and on.

All this written on the front and back of an envelope on things to try, what to do.

Solutions:

*Crocs for my feet to wear at my work gym
*workout just 20 min/day every day-dont have to get gross and sweaty.
*try chickpea omelette for breakfast
*try dandelion tea @ work instead of coffee
*try EFT-a kind of accupressure tapping technique
*I may always have to track my food but I am grateful for the tools available to me.
*create a mantra for myself and write it to have by my bedside

"My inner core is a thin rod of steel. It's now safe to let the scale go down to expose the steel core that will always protect me. I am loved. I am safe."

*check back in in 2 weeks.

Thank you, God, for Emily today.

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Sensa v. Tortilla Girl...

Arturos in Old Town Spring, TX. A favortite haunt from the days when I lived here.

The breakfasts are to die for. Slow-cooked pork, chorizos, amazing flavors.

I decided to play it safe and order what I was familiar with pointwise. 2 eggs, bacon and flour TORTILLAS!! 4 + 2 + 11=17 (brunch here people..)

You know what I mean-those soft, delicious pancakey-tasting discs from heaven (and Mexico).
Confronted with a "warmer" of those I will "just have 1 more" and "just 1 more" if they're in front of me. At 4 points for a 6" small one, I just can't afford that.

I went to church this morning, so, upon seeing the "warmer" I prayed...

And sprinkled Sensa.

It lended a weird texture but kept me to 2.8 small ones. Notice just the little bit left. Also, the fattening refried beans and potatoes stayed put.

I think I'll order Sensa Month 2 and see what happens. It seems to work on fattening foods. Within a minute or so of remembering to put it on, I wasn't ravenous.
And that's a big deal for Tortilla Girl...

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